Gro-oan

A piece of black tarmac goes into a bar and says, “Give me a pint and make it quick because I’m hard and scared of no-one”. Just them a piece of red tarmac comes up to the bar and the black piece dashes into the toilet. After a while he come out and says, “Has he gone yet?” The barman says, “What’s all this I’m scared of no-one?” The black tarmac replies, “No-one messes with him, he’s a cycle-path”

Oooo, sorry about that…

A way with words

There’s no doubt about it, Surly Dave does have a way with words:

And a big hi to the truck driver who passed too close yesterday in Sandy Bay yesterday before turning left in front of me. Two goes and you still missed, you mullet-headed loser.

Guffaw

Puzzling

Puzzlecat—8 December, 7:30am, Federation Square: The puzzlecat will be a fixed time team pairs event… something like a cross between an alleycat, treasure hunt and rogaine. Sounds good.

More of those lists

You know you’ve been commuting too long when… Yeah, I do that rearview-mirror-while-walking thing all the bloody time and I also drive wide enough not to be doored…

18 Ways To Know That You Have Bicycle Culture: 13. You don’t even know that you live in a ‘bike culture’ and have never used the expression. You just ride. Indeed.

More Copenhagen for Melbourne

Segregated bike lanes proposed for Albert Street, East Melbourne.

DIY Design

Fancy yourself a bike designer? Or just like to play? Have you had a fiddle with Bike CAD?

Lock? What lock?

The best locks to protect your wheels (I think I’ve linked to this before, but in the light of yesterday’s entry

I thought it was timely.)

I see where you’re coming from, but…

Could this asshole-motorist repellant actually work?

Ah, no. Don’t do that, buddy. That is an extremely dangerous idea.

[Image: Bidegorri by Imamon on Flickr]

Amusing

• Bike Hackers Get Whimsical With Two-Wheelers

• Bike Snob NYC hands out a few hand-written notes to other road users. Hilarious. [via BAC Bikes]

Thoughts

• Carl poses the question: Should bike shops have womens sections?

If you take a look at the majority of the womens specific road and MTB bikes, they’re mostly in ‘girly’ colours. Pale blues, pinks … because ALL women like pale blue and pink, right?

• Dave Moulton is always a good read. This week he lashes the “Pedestrians on Bikes” attitude that leads people to ride like a pedestrian on wheels:

they ride on the sidewalk, they ride on the wrong side of the road against the flow traffic, and they ignore traffic signs and signals. At night they don’t use lights, because after all, most pedestrians don’t carry flash lights after dark.

I don’t necessarily agree with the sharp us-versus-them divide that he draws, but he’s right: some people do ride in exactly this way.

Utility cycling

• Hints on bike commuting from someone who’s recently discovered the joy [via DamianM].

• Alan Preston of the Utility Cyclism blog has setup a page on Urban Bicycles, for promoting urban utility cycling in New Zealand. It’s a little sparse at the moment but looking like being a useful resource. I rather like the slogan “Utility cycling is not ‘sport’. It is transport.” that appears on the What IS ‘utility cycling’? page—I reckon I’ll steal that Alan!

Ride to Work Day

A sampling of blog entries:

• American Guy was an angel for the day

• Brett had a “hard 20 min trip” to Fed Square

• cfsmtb copped some creative abuse

• Dishmoptop asks “Don’t bike helmets look fab?”

• kenalovell.com is not a fan of the idea

• Kim enjoyed a “terrific ride”

• Lisa just had to ride

• pedaller was grateful for Adam Spencer

• Reckless—rant!

• Samuel Sock was faster than the bus and train

• Stomper Girl‘s kid rode to work school

• Thomasr forgot just about everything

• Tweed Coast Treadly was battered by the wind whereas Windjunky took advantage of it

Companies that rode:

• Atlassian

• Macquarie University

• Uni of Southern Queensland

• webqem

A smattering of reportage:

• Video report from the Sydney Morning Herald

• pedaller posted a summary of media reports

Gardiners Creek commuters, especially those riding at dawn and dusk, are advised to beware of bounding marsupials. We regret to advise that they are unlikely to be discouraged by attaching cable ties to your helmet…

There’s been a lot of bicycle bell tinkling going on from those pinko, vegetarian, beret-wearing, tree-hugging, soy-latte sipping, chardonnary-swilling, inner-city, bicycle-clipped, lycra-loving metrosexuals over at Fairfax. They seem to think that bicycles should be given the right to use the public roads! As if they were cars!

WHAT a load of old tripe!

Take this steaming pile of purple prose for example:

THE idea that Melbourne is a Utopia for cyclists, who breeze along our boulevards in a continuous blurring whirr of chrome and black elastic, is part of the grand illusion that has become synonymous with a way of life lived by few but envied by many…

Transforming and expanding Melbourne into a true and lasting bicycle city will require increased time, involvement and investment not only from government and local authorities but from those who have to be persuaded of the system’s attractiveness and advantages: its users. This will require a distinct change of culture on both sides; without it, the system will neither develop nor function as it should. Cycling has to be seen by authorities as a high-priority mode of transport, enjoying the same rights and protection as cars, but allowing for obvious vulnerabilities. In turn, this should broaden the appeal of cycling to those apprehensive of it as a risky activity with a high accident rate. A good start would be to emulate most other countries that have legislation determining the minimum distance between cars and bicycles. Drivers, too, will have to come to terms with acknowledging cyclists as colleagues, not opponents. Much education needs to be done.

Meanwhile some pointed-headed boffin (no doubt with a grey beard, spectacles held together with electrical tape, patches on the elbows of his tweed coat, and nothing but a tram ticket in his pocket) reckons we, the honest taxpayer, ought to fork out $100m a year to boost pedal power:

Melbourne must take a “quantum leap” in promoting cycling as a safe transport alternative, according to an expert report commissioned by The Age…

Professor Low says Melbourne’s bike culture is almost entirely for sport and recreation. “That’s fine. But to sport culture let’s add (or reinvent) a more prosaic, utilitarian culture of bikes for everyday transport.”…

Lobby group Bicycle Industries Australia believes the cycling industry is worth more than $1 billion annually to the national economy and says that for the past seven years more bikes were sold than cars across the country.

Telling, however, is the figure that for every four bikes sold to children or young people in Australia, seven are sold to adults. The bike boom, such as it is, is very much an adult phenomenon. And while no figures are available, it looks like an inner-city one also.

But it’s not like bi-cyclists haven’t already got plenty of places to ride when you consider that this new link helps round off the bike network:

Melbourne’s expanding network of bike routes is set to receive a boost with plans for a multimillion-dollar link between the northern suburbs and Port Phillip Bay.

As the plan’s prosaic name suggests, the Punt Road Alternative will enable cyclists to avoid the city’s worst arterial road and dramatically improve bike access to Richmond, South Yarra and St Kilda…

The route will begin on Heidelberg Road, Clifton Hill, and wend through Abbotsford, Richmond and Cremorne. The plan will require a major upgrade of the rail bridge near Melbourne High School, as the route crosses the river and follows the Sandringham train line through South Yarra, Prahran and Windsor.

Remind me to divest myself of all my property investments in those suburbs: land prices will plummet when they’re struck by a bicycle-mounted crime wave.

But it’s good to hear that children buck cycling trend:

Deakin University research has revealed there was an 80 per cent decline in the number of children cycling to school at least once a week between 1985 and 2001. In the same period, childhood obesity rates doubled…

Excellent work youngsters-buckle up in the back! (And get a hair cut.) But what hope have they got against leftie pinko feminazi teachers?

But schools are fighting back. Almost a fifth of Victoria’s 2300 schools have registered with Bicycle Victoria’s Ride2School program.

As for this cunning little stunt in which Faifax “journalists” forced some good honest working men to give up their God-given right to drive into the CBD! Have you ever heard of anything so disgraceful?

Four CBD workers were asked to ride, drive and take public transport over three consecutive days from different areas.

Aside from the obvious environmental benefits, all four participants said riding a bike was a cheaper, less stressful and more convenient option. Cycling also enabled people to combine exercise with their daily commute, which was perceived as a significant benefit for those struggling to balance work and family commitments…

Despite evidence that cycling was a far cheaper and faster alternative, the State Government’s investment in transport infrastructure was still skewed towards the provision of roads and public transport.

And speaking of commie bastards how about this raving looney?

Alleged “Doctor” Stuart Emmerson (who rides a 100km daily return trip from Northcote to Hopper Crossing) says the roads in the western suburbs are terrible. Well, boo hoo!

“The roads are atrocious out there. There is space for bike lanes on most of the big roads, but VicRoads have simply not put them in.”

Melbourne’s eastern suburbs would never put up with such dangerous conditions, he says. “Tim Pallas is the local member out here, but you wouldn’t know the Roads Minister was in charge of these roads as far as a cyclist was concerned…”

“Out here, the cars are getting bigger, the trucks are getting bigger, and the people are getting bigger,” he says.

Quite right! And that’s good news for the economy!

And how dare the ratbag sweaty lycra bums impugn the impeccable reputation of the Federal Minister for Health and Ageing? Get on your bike, says Abbott. Oh, does he really?

Australians will be happier and healthier if they ditch the car in favour of a bicycle for short trips, according to federal Health Minister Tony Abbott.

But that will happen only if more money is spent building better cycling infrastructure, he said.

And they presume to call this “news”, do they? I call it gutter journalism of the very lowest order.

But what do I say in the face of all this bolshie baloney? I say, “Thank God for News Corp!” Yes, a firm hand on the editorial tiller over at the Herald Sun let none of this shaved-leg claptrap see the light of day. On the contrary, we were rightly advised that the infamous Hell Rider sold his bike. And a good thing too! That’s one less skinny-arsed, high-speed, lycra-lout cluttering up the public road for those of us who can afford a decent car. Long may it continue.

Now go away and stop bothering me.

Let me put this in a simple way that even our liberal readers can understand: If you cycle to work then the terrorists have already won. We need to deny them their victory, when you drive a truck you are sending a message to the terrorists that they can never defeat us. You show me a cyclist and I will show you a traitor.

Hilarious.

Bugger it, why not have another sample:

The other type of cycling is called “Road Racing” a preposterous sport which is mainly popular amongst the homosexual community. Most Americans do not regard this as a true sport, because the chief objective is to pose in the absurd skin-tight ‘fashions’. This probably explains why road-cycling is the most popular sport in France. It’s just typical that a degenerate, liberal, godless nation like the French would adopt a sport which involves adult men spending hours staring at each other’s butts!